→ 5 Ways to Make Your Cashier Hate You

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→ From ages 15-19, I have been, sarcastic, quiet, SUPER funny, and an awesome cashier. I have received only 3 complaints concerning my awesomeness in all of my years of service. HOWEVER, I certainly have built up a plethora of complaints about you people! Now, as (yet another) act of awesome service, I am going to break down the 5 easiest ways to guarantee ultimate hatred from your cashier of choice. Here we go! 😉

→ 1. Complain to me more about the prices: “Well yes, sir, I DO control the prices here, and I will happily change them for you!!” Yeah, how about NO. I am the absolute bottom of the food chain here, Buddy. See, when I’m not listening to you complain, I’m back in aisle four, cleaning up the puke your slimy kid spewed all over the Hallmark cards.

→ 2. Ignore me when I read your order back to you, then yell at me when I hand you what I heard you say: I read your order back to you, because it is the 50 millionth one I’ve heard today, and chances are I misheard one part, or maybe even, (God forbid), you ordered something you didn’t mean to order. In short, I’m trying to save us both time, by making sure we make/get what you ordered correctly, instead of all that hassle later when you explain angrily that I should know that Frappuccinos are actually hot drinks*, and that I, the BARISTA, have absolutely no idea what I’m doing.

→ 3. Hand me that nasty boob-sweat/purse-linted/cigarette-ash-covered/dripping-spit money: Yeah you people know who you are. You keep your money in that oh-so convenient spot where it gets all sorts of nasty, and then you hand it to the cornered cashier. SO GROSS. Money is already dirty without you keeping it stored away in your armpit cleavage. Then there’s the people that keep credit cards in their mouths, ones who practically hand me the lit end of their cigarettes with their payment, the ones who wipe their noses with the money before they hand it to me, and even the people who cough/sneeze directly on to their money before they hand it to me. If you want to get nasty with your money, at LEAST do it where I don’t have to watch and then pray that you don’t have some deadly-to-me disease. Clean people: I LOVE YOU.

→ 4. Tell me that I look like your ex-lover: Oh yes, whisper more sweet nothings in my ear. I’m glad to know that I remind you of someone who you A) Hit and Quit, B) Had Your Heart Broken By, or C) Hope to Have Sex With Again. And FYI, it really doesn’t help that you look older than my dad. Note: This also applies to you creeps who say I look like your daughter, and then ask me out. That is gross, also “Don’t hit on family! That’s just lazy.”

→ 5. Talk to me like I’m not a fellow human being: This one is my favorite. The other day, a woman walked up to my register and barked out, “Pumpkin. Grande.” Confused, wondering if I missed a word, I say, “Excuse me?” She repeats herself, and her husband echoes her, exactly the same way. “I’m sorry, miss. Did you want a brewed coffee with pumpkin, a latte, a frappuccino, or just an iced drink?” Her husband begins to YELL at me, calling me stupid and rude, because nobody orders anything other than the pumpkin latte, and how I just wanted to be a bitch. I say sorry, as I’m obliged to, rung up the drink and had someone else finish the order. People, we don’t need please or thank you, really, we just need you to speak to us not at us, because we can’t and don’t want to read your mind. Hell, even just, “I need a…,” “I would like a…,” Is frikin’ awesome.

→ Well there ya have it, folks, and as always, thank you and “Have a great day!” 😉

→ *For you non-coffee drinkers, Frappuccinos are milk- or soy-based blended ice drinks.

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→ “GOD HATES YOUR UGLY ASS!!”

→ Oh snap, kiddo.

→ So yeah, leave it to my history prof to make me a) hate myself, b) pay attention to his class and c) wish I was badass enough to scream that to a class of 150 students while simultaneously getting PAID.

→ Before everyone starts preaching to me, let me lay out the scene for you here.  There I am, three rows from the front (I am an EXCELLENT student), dozing slightly (k, not SO excellent), and generally disinterested in the discussion of colonial theology, as I had studied that in high school. As I guiltily direct my attention to my Facepage, I am jolted back to the classroom by an outrageous outburst: “God HATES your ugly ass!!” Assuming God was preparing to smite me for my deplorable display of classroom decorum, I take on the appearance of a deer caught in the headlights….. of a steamroller. I turn bright red and raise my head in shame, expecting glares from each and every brown-noser in the room. However, three seconds and a few million erratic heartbeats later, I realize that about half of the other students are also suffering from I’m-A-Startled-Guilty-Ignoring-The-Teacher-Asshole-itis as well, and thus I feel spared, if not by God then at least by Professor H.

→ Upon listening further, I discover that he is talking about the theologian and preacher, Jonathan Edwards. This guy was apparently a key character in the first Great Awakening, and OH WAIT you don’t give an EFF!  You just want to hear about how much of a douche he could be!! So he writes this sermon, “Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God.” In essence, it is meant to literally, scare the Hell out of you. So he basically screamed to the people in the church about how God hates you for sinning and holds you over the flames of Hell as if you are an overtly annoying spider he wishes to see writhe in agony. What a friendly bro, eh?  Though to be fair, the guy got results apparently, and people acted significantly more civilized. So yay for that! Yeah, you are oh SO welcome for the miniature history lesson. Anyway, I bring this up for several reasons. The first being that my history prof is hilarious and therefore noteworthy, the second being that I plan on using his quote EVERY DAY for the rest of my life, and the third being that I cannot sleep at ALL right now.

→ This brings me to my next point: SLEEP IS FOR QUITTERS. That, my friends, is my motto. It is indubitably a moronic code to live by, but in all honesty, I cannot seem to help but live by it. Like, you know how old people have trouble with computers? Yeah, that’s the trouble I have with sleep. See, I understand its supposed to be easy, and that we apparently need it to survive, but for some reason I just cant get the hang of it!! Meh, so my next week will consist of trying various, likely stupid ways to fall asleep. Until next time, goodbye.

→ Welcome to NurZeug

→ Thanks for checking out my blog! Let me start out with saying that NurZeug (very) roughly translates from German into “JustStuff.” And really,  that is all this blog is.

→ Just. Stuff.

→ Nothing fancy. Just a compilation of my sarcastic musings, my more interesting papers from my writing classes, and my opinions or add-ons to articles I find interesting/annoying/infuriating.

→ I hope you find my blog amusing, and I thank you for doing your procrastination here. 😉

 

Extra Credit Essay 1: We white girls are lame. Let me cry about it.

“Think  of  a  TV/Film  character  that  belongs  to  an  ethnic  minority  group  and  is  portrayed  more   favorably  than  your  own  ethnic  group.  In  what  ways  is  s/he  portrayed  positively?  Your   introduction  (3  to  5  sentences)  should  contain  a  personal  description  of  this  character.  The   subsequent  paragraphs  should  address  the  aspects  that  you  wish  to  discuss. ”

 

Erica M. Shultz

Long legs, bronze skin, silky black hair, soft-featured  face, this chick is gorgeous.. A cartoon, but gorgeous nonetheless. Added to her looks is her charmingly spirited personality that gives her the ability to connect with woodland creatures and plants. Then to top it off the, insanely sexy, blonde foreign guy falls in love with her almost immediately. Oh, and did I mention how she is basically a princess? By now you’ve probably guessed I’m referring to a Disney film, but just in case you haven’t, I’ll spell it out: Pocahontas, “An American Legend come to life.”

So the question I’m answering asks me in what ways is this bitc—character portrayed more positively than characters of my own ethnic group. Well, let’s refer to the main plot of the movie for my first point. The white foreigners are trying to trick the Native Americans innocent  out of their (nonexistent) gold. Pocahontas is the key to bridging the gap between the two civilizations with her free-spirited personality and courage blah blah blah. To be fair, since the movie is about her, she should look pretty cool, but also to be fair, in the history books, both sides fought pretty down and dirty. In fact, in history books, Pocahontas’ real super power was just being able to catch on to the White Man’s language really quickly, and she was NOT that skinny. Just sayin’.

Released in 1995 during the Disney Renaissance Era, this film was deemed to be a classic from the get-go. And what’s the best way to make a classic? Put down the blonde, white people. The movie showed many ways how the ways of the white men, from their technology to their customs, were very crude and almost barbaric, in comparison to the simple, yet refined Native Americans. Pocahontas, the most beautiful of the Native Americans, and daughter of the most powerful of the Native Americans, has two animal familiars, a spirit-tree guide, and a destiny to be great. In fact, contrary to most all other Disney princess films, Pocahontas is destined to save her man, making her the hero. This I find so fascinating, given Walt Disney’s sexist tendencies. Clearly he has a thing for Native American chicks, since all of the white chicks he tell stories about have to be rescued, or put in damsel-in-distress situations.

So in essence what I’m saying is, Pocahontas is metaphorically destined for a superiority complex. In her own film, her people, and herself particularly are raised above the white men as morally superior and spiritually more in-tune (also fascinating, given Walt Disney’s anti-Semitic tendencies). Outside of her own film, but within her Disney Princess genre, she is glorified above the white princesses particularly, as her own hero, a stronger woman than the white women. Even Jasmine (Arabian princess from Aladdin), though fierce enough to have a tiger follow her like a kitten, wasn’t her own hero, though as a non-white princess, she was still pretty independent and strong. And outside of the film genre, in general pop culture, she is revered as an American legend, up there with Sacagawea. I wish I got that much praise for disobeying my father and running off with some hot guy.

→Very Inspiring Blog Award??? Why thank you, Rohan >:)

Oh, Rohan, you shouldn't have! ::blush::

Inspiring Blog Award!

→ Welp. Looks like I’ve Inspired (uh oh!) the brilliant mind of Rohan7things! I’m more than a bit pleased at the nomination, due to the superb content Mr. Rohan himself pops out everyday! So thank you, sir!

→ So below are the rules of accepting the Very Inspiring Blog Award:

1. Display the award logo on your blog.
2. Link back to the person who nominated you.
3. State 7 things about yourself.
4. Nominate 15 other bloggers for this award and link to them.
5. Notify those bloggers of the nomination and the award’s requirements.

→ Seven Things About Me:

1. I hate people.

2. I do not like to write. I like to have written.

3. I have two pairs of webbed toes.

4. My favorite food is bean and cheese tacos.

5. I listen to Pandora Radio because I am too lazy to sync my 4000 songs to my phone.

6. I know every word to every Smash Mouth song ever, and have since I was 10 years old.

7. I work at Starbucks and make awesome coffee.

My Nominees!

1. Growing Up in Adulthood!

2. Ramblings From an Apathetic Adult Baby!

3. A Stranger to Heaven and Earth!

4. Vagabonding Truth!

5. The Alternative Edge!

6. A Most Agreeable Pastime!

7. King of States!

8. Elixir of Memories!

9. Jump For Joy Photo Project!

10. Pikeknight!

11. Her Shattered Reflections!

12. Good Morning, Joe!

13. thepolyorange!

14. ALEXKELLYOC!

15. Thirty. Divorced. And Liberated.!

→ First Assignment: A Memo Introducing Myself to the Class

MEMO

To:      T-Mann & Class

From:  Erica Michele Shultz

Date:   9-5-2012

Re:      A brief, but enlightening, inside look at why you are being graced with Erica’s presence.

To my professor and peers…

I would like to start off with expressing how pleased I am to be embarking upon this intellectual journey through the exciting realm of Business and Technical Communications with such a promising group of fellow students and lively professor! My excitement to dive into this class is particularly due to the fact that this course is my first real step towards my goal to be a successful, and wealthy, technical writer upon graduating with a Communications degree.

This course will not only provide a required credit for my degree plan, but also will hopefully help me gain some much-needed experience and give me some valuable insight on what I can expect in the years to come. I am eager to see what I can do to hone my skills and increase my knowledge on this subject.

You may be interested to know that my career goals were not quite so set in stone until August of 2011. My prior aspirations had included various forms of martial arts, a legacy movie to the Kill Bill two-part action film, and a life of fame among the ranks of Chuck Norris and Jackie Chan, or perhaps being a vet.

Unfortunately, I am embarrassingly inept when it comes to martial arts, and I am unable to administer an insulin shot to my diabetic cat, let alone anything more intense. Those shortcomings acknowledged, I decided to play to my strengths and look into the various career choices for writers who are just too proud to write for a newspaper. After some digging, I found out about the key uses and high demand for technical writers, was sold on the idea, and have been ever since. The job incorporates several of my favorite things/activities into a single, lucrative career centered around grammar, writing, and getting paid.

So here’s to an excellent semester filled with learning, and sharing, and sharing what we learn! Cheers!

Erica

I’m a weirdoooooo, what the hell am I doing heeeeere?

Wow. just wow!

entropy: the other constant

I know that there are uses for categories and labels.  They are very useful for categorizing people, for putting a layer of distance between yourself and someone that you need to leave behind for whatever reason.  Even when you don’t need the distance and it’s just a function of trying to make life easier.  I’m an INTP.  You’re an ESFJ.  This means that we should some how be able to predict each other.  I’m a Cancer, you’re an Aries.  I already know this is going to end in disaster.

Except, of course, you never fall in love with someone’s resume.  And all of those traits that land you in the DSM really just mean that you’re relentlessly flawed and therefore relentlessly human.  I don’t know anyone who isn’t a little screwy in some way or another.

So what are you going to do?  Love is already as improbable as an aardvark…

View original post 586 more words

Ow.

→The Blood Eagle: A Process Paper

The Shultz Analysis of a Gruesome, but fascinating and effective Viking Torture Method

Dedicated to my peers and professor, for their entertainment and freaky fact libraries. As my audience, I expect you to be looking for something new and interesting to you.

“And when his sons

Avenged their father’s fate, and like the wings

Of some huge eagle spread the severed ribs

Of Ella in the shield-roof’d hall, they thought

One day from Ella’s skull to quaff the mead,
Their valour’s guerdon.”

-‘Epistle from Robert Southey’ in Amos S. Cortle, Icelandic Poetry or the Edda of

Samund ^Bristol, 1797), pp. xxxiv-xxxv.

 

The Blood-Eagle, or rista blóthrn, has long been recognized as one of, if not the most gruesome forms of torture the Vikings were known to partake in. In this report, you will learn how the Blood-Eagle was so effective at causing excruciating pain. Enjoy.

The blood-eagle ritual, usually invoked due to the extreme rage of an offended party, would begin with the victim being bent over a stone, or tied around a tree, with his or her back exposed. Next, the honorary executioner would forcefully divide the ribs from the victim’s spine with a blade and then proceed to reach into the victim’s back and fold the split ribs out from the center to give the appearance of wings. The only rational thing to do at this point apparently was for the executioner to then reach inside a second time and pull out the victim’s lungs, and flip them to each side, lest they fall back into the chest cavity. Then, for taste, or perhaps just pain, salt would be thrown into the wounds and the victim would be left in agony.

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This method obviously causes death, but not for the reason you would guess. The victim does not bleed out, or even die of sheer pain. The victim dies due to respiratory failure. The respiratory system relies heavily on the chest cavity, rib cage and diaphragm. This method of torture removes the ribs, thus taking out one wall of the chest cavity and then removes the lungs from what is left of the chest cavity.

Assuming that the lungs were still in the cavity, the system would work as follows. As the victim attempts to breath in, the diaphragm would normally move down to make room for the expanding lungs, and the rib muscles would lift the ribs back and out of the way. However, now when the diaphragm moves, it would only cause the salt to be dispersed more fully throughout the wound, causing more agony and since the ribs have been torn from the muscles, they can’t move, but at least they are out of the way. Next, when the victim attempts to breathe out, the diaphragm would expand and move up, helping the body force air out of the lungs, and the rib muscles would relax and allow the ribs to move back in, to create a smaller space for the lungs, again helping force the air out. However the diaphragm moving up in this scenario would only force more blood out of the body, and the rib muscles relaxing would allow the back half of the victim to begin to crush the bottom half.

After this excruciating spin of events, the teller of the story would often laugh at the fascinated, yet horrified faces of her audience, as they struggle to hold on to their most recent meal. She would then go on to explain that while the blood-eagle would be a terribly interesting method of vanquishing one’s enemies, it was likely never done. As a way of building fear in one’s foes, or perhaps just impressing the foreigners, you can imagine how effective this delightfully intricate form torture would be, but to the dismay of devout, blood-lusting Viking fans, even the mighty Vikings were not so deranged.

However, as a reward for your iron stomach and insatiable curiosity, my friends, you now you are fully informed on how effective the Blood-Eagle ritual is at disturbing the victim of your choice. Enjoy!

Works Cited

Nemours. “Your Lungs and Respiratory System.” KidsHealth. Nemours, n.d. Web. <http://kidshealth.org/PageManager.jsp?dn=KidsHealth&lic=1&ps=307&cat_id=20607&article_set=54039&gt;

“History Horrors, Carving the Bloody Eagle.” Freethunk. N.p., n.d. Web. 26 Sept. 2012. <http://www.freethunk.net/articles/history-horrors/history-horrors-carving-the-bloody-eagle-2-997&gt;.

“Viking Atrocity and Skaldic Verse: The Rite of the Blood-Eagle.” Oxford Journals. N.p., n.d. Web. <http://ehr.oxfordjournals.org/content/XCIX/CCCXCI/332.full.pdf&gt;.

 

→ Throwback Time: I am ashamed of this more than you could ever know.

***NOTE: This is embarrassing, but also interesting. I’d like to believe that my writing has grown substantially since this post, only a year ago. Thoughts???***

OHEMGEE! So whoopdiddlydoo this is my first blog post EVER! Not so out of the ordinary, I know, but hey there is a first for everything! On this ….magical…. Sunday afternoon, I am procrastinating.
→ I’m Erica Michele, 18 years young and in my freshman year of college! woot woot! 😀 I came from a small private school in Texas with a graduating class of 39 students, and now I’m in a public college with closer to 39,000 students. Talk about new horizons, eh? This is about the fourth week of school, so I am now somewhat adjusted to the overwhelming amount of people I see everyday, but walking into a classroom with over 400 students in it is still fairly daunting. In fact, my previous school had roughly 350 students from grades K-12, so I had never seen a gathering of students in an academic setting until then. But more about my entry and adjustment to college a different day, hm?
→ As for now, back to procrastinating! 😀 Here’s the sitch*: I have two rather large exams tomorrow, and frankly, I’m bored out of my mind 😦 In an effort to defeat the ravenous beast of disinterest, I turned to the oh so distracting, yet wonderfully enchanting interweb! 🙂 You see, procrastination, in essence, is the sweet, glorious, yet parentally-frowned-upon escape from excruciating and mind-numbingly boring tasks or responsibilities. This escape can go, like your mother**, in many different ways! ;D Perhaps you may turn to reading a book, playing video games, surfing the web, saving the world, crying, fighting zombies, or even paying my mother copious amounts of money to do nice things for you (i.e. laundry, shopping, sex, what??, etc). It matters not which path you choose, so long as you refrain from putting forth one single ounce of effort towards your assigned or necessary task. This escape, however, often brings with it an oh-so-(frikin)-serious disease! Commonly hated by parents and hard to cure, this disease shows various symptoms such as: Late homework, poor test grades, diary entries about Justin Bieber-Face at an all time high, too many tissues in a teenage son’s trashcan, and college student blogs cluttering up the internet. We call this disease: Lack of Focus. As you can see, even I myself, am struggling with this crippling sickness.
→ My own lack of focus is a horrid curse, but eh, can you really blame me? One exam covers geology of the moon (yawn-o-matic) and the other covers the slightly more interesting, but far more academically-demanding, psychology. Let the record show, I’m a communications major, and these classes are both just for my freshman credits. That said, I am loathe to fill out yet another flashcard concerning the two courses, and therefore I will not. Until later of course, when I panic like a blonde chick in Kazakhstan and cram facts into my skull like a violent torpedo of truth***. See, the only known cure for procrastination-induced lack of focus appears to be just that: panic. Panic of failure, (or otherwise), is a painful cure, though quite effective. As a self-declared professional in this field, I find it quite fascinating to see how this antidote is delivered. It is not given in pill or intravenous form, but rather it is created by the brain of the inflicted individual according to their level of concern for the procrastinated situation, and also according to their level of fear for the consequences of not completing said task. It would appear that this dose of panic has the ability to create a higher overall production rate in the treated individual, and many tasks can be completed, though not always well, depending on said individual. Unfortunately, now that i stupidly mentioned it, I must have dosed myself, and the panic appears to be setting in. Note to self, like the runny nose that comes with the flu, guilt is becoming a noticeable side effect of the procrastination-induced lack of focus.
→ So for now, I will be diligent and continue the laborious task of studying this, excuse my french, CRAP, and will stop with all of the BS**** I have spewed upon your once immaculate (yeah right :P) computer screen. Ahaha, my apologies, yes? Au Revoir, dear reader, thank you for your time and please, check me out again ;D

→ The Erica Michele (:

*sitch: situation. hollaback to Kim Possible, anyone? no? yeah…. mybad xD
**a joke, perhaps in poor taste? Nah, Your mother is a very classy lady, i’m sure 🙂

***violent torpedo of truth: hollaback to Charlie Sheen?? Hell yeah! 😀
****BS: shit of a bull, aka bull shit 😀